Dream Seeker (2006)

As I begin work on the 3rd Jordan Kennedy novel, I decided to go back and read through where it all began. In 2006, I wrote a short story in second person about a young man on his way to attend an audition. The story was called Dream Seeker. This one story alone then gave me the idea of a bigger story, and after years of planning and research, I completed The Underground in 2009. I finished the second book With The Enemy this year, and the storyline for the next book Cigarette Burns is quickly coming together.

Even though Dream Seeker is an outdated piece of writing, I still love it. In fact, I love it so much that I incorporated this very scene into The Underground. Although, yes, it's not the best thing I've ever written, I still wanted to share it with you.

Without spoiling too much, the ending of this story is probably not what you would expect, but it's important to know that failure is always a reality. I have failed many times in my life, but I haven't given up. I'll probably fail many more times before I succeed, but that's life. Even in the darkest of times, I've held onto my dreams.

After all, I'm a dream seeker too.

- JD

Dream Seeker

Your hands are already shaking. It won't stop, it's like you've lost control of your actions. The nerves are already taking you over. It's a mistake. How can you deal with this level of stress? Exactly…you can't. Why did you ever try and take this chance? You are bound to fail.

This is stupid, Dylan. You haven't got a chance.

The train comes to a sudden halt, and more passengers climb on board. You look out the window, just trying to find a sign or an indication of what station you've stopped at. You can't seem to find one, but you know you're so close to your destination. Just the thought causes destruction in your mind. Even though this is your dream, your aim, your mission…you know the odds are against you. The train doors close and your hands shake a little more. Your heart beat seems to increase each second, and sometimes, it becomes so unbearable it gets hard to breathe. The train slowly crawls along the tracks. You just wish time would go faster, so you can get this over and done with. For a moment, you close your eyes and try to visualize your piano. You can almost feel the keys beneath your fingertips. You smile. Music gives you a reason to live, a reason to believe that one day you can make a difference. For the last two years, you've been working on an album. Each day you sit by your piano and write songs, and your few friends are amazed by your talent. Your friends constantly try to convince you to perform at clubs and bars, but you can't do that. You just can't.

Maybe it's not too late to turn back? No, you've gone this far. It's too late to turn back now. Go for your dreams, Dylan. Just believe.

The trains stops at another station, more passengers come and go. As you look out of the window, you try to make sense of what you're about to get yourself into. Today's the day you will try and complete your dream. An audition in London this afternoon. The prize is a recording contract. If you just make it past this first hurdle, you'll overcome your worst fear. Your stage fright has always held you back, but today, it is time to rise above and beyond and tackle your phobia. For a moment you pull a piece of paper from your pocket. Your lyrics are written out on it. You've never forgotten your lyrics before, but fear can mess with your head. It can make you forget things you thought you knew so well.

You often ponder about fame. What would it be like? If your album ever did skyrocket, how would you cope? Probably not well. You don't want the fame, the fortune and all that jazz. You just want to make beautiful music, and have your fans approach you and tell you how they were moved by your songs. That's all. You get a real buzz from those sorts of comments. The trouble is, your fear gets in the way. Your nerves and stage fright almost seems impossible to conquer, but maybe one day you'll get there. You sit back in your seat and try to relax a little, but it's hard knowing the audition lies ahead of you.

***

This city seems so alien to you. It's not often that you roam the streets of London, because this place is too fast-paced for your liking. You check your watch. 2:17 pm. Your audition is in just thirteen minutes. That fact makes your heart almost explode from your chest. You can feel it rising and falling at an alarming rate. As you race down the streets, your destination is in sight. There are dozens of people already standing outside the building. Some are singing, some are playing guitars and others are smoking.

You stop in your tracks. The same nervous sick feeling returns. Going through this torture and torment doesn't even seem worth it. You will fail. So why bother to try? Another choice lies ahead of you.

Do you turn around and go home, or do you chase your ultimate dream? Putting it in that perspective, the answer seems clear. You push your doubts back down, and enter the building. Crowds of people swarm everywhere. Once again it gets hard to breathe. You know you have to sign in somewhere, but where? As you whip your head around, you see a woman with a clip board. You cautiously approach the woman. She looks up at you with demon green eyes. You freeze.

"Name? Please?" the woman grunts.

You remain frozen for another moment more.

"Dylan Kershaw," you croak.

"You're late," she says. "You're up next. Get going."

*** 

Your name is called. It is time. You push open the stage door and step into the bright lights. The lights are so bright you are blinded for a moment. Seconds pass and your eyes adjust to the glare. You can spot three judges sitting in the front row, directly in front of the stage. As you meet their gaze, you begin to feel dizzy. Your head spins. Without even realizing it, you scan around the stage, looking for all possible exits. In the middle of the stage, you find a piano. Just the sight of it creates a soothing effect. You briefly close your eyes again and try to unwind, but nothing seems to be working. You open your eyes again and try to move, but you can't. The fear has made you lock up. All three of the judges stare at you with a look of puzzlement on their faces, and they seem impatient. You look over to the piano once more.

"Can I use the piano?" you ask.

One of the judges gives you a dirty look.

"Of course you can. That's what it's there for," hisses the judge.

The unexpected hostility makes your legs work, and you amble over to the piano. The room is so silent that the only noise you can hear is your own footsteps. Finally, you sit down at the piano. You pull your lyrics out from your pocket and lay them out in front of you. Time freezes again, and your heart beats violently in your chest. You sneak another glance over to the judges. They don't look pleased. You're going to be sick. You know it. Your knees jackhammer on the pedals, and you can't stop them. You panic. This was a stupid idea, now you'll just humiliate yourself.

"Are you going to start anytime soon?" snaps another judge.

Once again, you've got another decision to make. You can either run off stage and be sick, or remain where you are and give it your best shot.

"We ain't got all day lad!" yells the same judge.

"S-Sorry. Uh- I'll start now," you stutter.

At that very moment, the lights change. All lights switch off apart from one bright spotlight. The spotlight pours down at you blinding you momentary. As you wait for your eyes to adjust again, you prepare to start your song. This is the moment you've worked so hard for, but your anxiety won't stop rising. You gently place your hands on the keys, and begin to play. It is a song you wrote ten years ago, and you've rehearsed it over a million times. You know this song off by heart, but since your hands are shaking so much, you hit the wrong starting notes. You stop. Already you've messed up, and you can see the judges are making note of it. You start again and hit the wrong keys, but this time you don't stop. Your whole body trembles under the pressure, and you feel faint. The spotlight pouring down on you is too hot, and the heat seems to be making it harder for you to breathe. The colours in your eyes start to drain away. You continue to accidentally hit the wrong keys on the piano, so maybe you'll amaze the judges with your voice? You try to open your mouth to sing, but you can't. You can't seem to get the words out at all.

"Is that all you have to offer?" shouts one of the judges.

Your eyes burn with tears, and all your hopes and dreams come collapsing back down to reality. Not only are you a total failure, but you've totally embarrassed yourself too.

What would your friends say if they could see you now? Words of encouragement, or words of shame? Tears stream down your cheeks, but you weep in silence. Finally, you stop playing the keys, and slowly turn your head to look at the judges. None of them look impressed, and you can understand why. You've just wasted their time. Time stands still.

"I can't, I can't. I just can't," you say, your voice just a whisper now.

A second after you say that, the judges begin to talk amongst themselves. You can hear their insults and negativity from where you are sitting. The judge's harsh words make your self-esteem sink lower. You've learnt a valuable lesson today. Your dreams aren't worth this humiliation. In fact, considering you can't even perform in front of three people, you aren't even an artist. You have no talent. You are worthless. As your heartbeat begins to slow down, thoughts of failure start sinking in. The spotlight over you slowly fades…

(C) Copyright, J. Dennis 2006